Odd Quiver In Summer Sixteen

(Sequel to SILENCE IN DISMAY)

In pieces I shatter,

            only time will heal.

            These fragments together,

            make up how I feel.

(Gilberto Ledgard Hidalgo IV, Perfectly Broken)

***

*Lorraine’s POV*

There had been one time when the very last thing I wanted to do was stay alive. I was frustrated, way more than everyone could have ever known. My parents argued all day long as I was just lounging in my bedroom, not sure what to do. Oh God, how I desperately wanted them to make peace however it would be, such as... divorce.

           Well I couldn’t care less, though. They had never really been concerned about me for the past few months. So, how could I give a damn?

          Oh, by the way, hi my name is Lorraine Hawkins, I’m 16, still waiting for the school to start again. I bought a journal last week, and this is the first page of it.I’m currently in San Antonio spending my third week of summer in my summer house where there is no one I can befriend with. Yay me, figure this is going to be the best summer ever in my whole life!

          I love doing geeky things, apparently. So I guess I am a geek, and introvert as well with glasses, books (especially ones with philosophy things in it), and all that. But really, it has nothing to do with my personality. I mean, once you get to know me, I’m pretty sure as hell you will never ever find any geek as crazy and blunt as I am. Well honesty here, this is another thing about me: I’m so fucked up and pretty scary when it comes to friendship. I have never talked with anyone without my masks on, anyone except my best friend, Raquel. She is the only one who never feels like eww knowing me as a whole package as Lorraine.

            I wonder, will my future boyfriend accept my worsts and just love me the way I am?

            I wonder, which masks I’ve gotta wear in front of my future boyfriend? Or will it be no mask?

***

           The scent of 7 am coffee quivered for a moment in the air. I could tell it was Mom because she was always up early. And I could tell Dad wasn’t home. Probably he was looking for another woman, who knew.

           Drrrt drrrt... drrrt drrrt...

           My phone buzzed, I forgot where I’d put it last night and I was too lazy to move out from bed. I usually got up at around 10 or 11 and now it was still 7! Whoever texted me surely could wait for 3 hours or four. Bet whoever that was didn’t know me really well since I was not a morning person.

            “Hey Rain,”

           “HOLY...” I was startled seeing my door was open ajar, and Dad’s head showed up. What the eff, I thought I had locked the door before going to bed!

            “Good morning, sorry I didn’t knock it first, I was afraid to wake you up.”

            Yeah but you startled the hell out of me til death, Dad.

           But of course I didn’t blurt it out. “Yeah Dad, at first I thought you forgot how to knock.” He laughed nervously. “So, what’s up?”

            “Eh, nothing. I just... I just want to tell you that I’m going to head off soon.”

            No surprise. “Oh, where are you heading to?”

            “I don’t know exactly but we’re going to beaches.”

            I smiled sarcastically. “Beaches or beotches?”

            “Pardon me?” I could hear a tinge of surprise in his voice.

I shook my head lightly, not that I really cared about it, though. “Nah nothing. Well okay Dad, have fun!”

           But he was still lingering for a minute or so, as if there was something more to say. I waited for several more seconds as I was pretending to go back to sleep until I heard the door was closed.

***

Hey, there. Bet you haven’t seen Insidious Chapter 3, so... want to see it with me? I’ll be coming over at 1, alright?

          HOLY CRAP my hands were shaking so hard it was about to loosen grip of my phone. The one who texted me at 7 was my crush! I replied to his message “Okay, see ya soon!” before getting freaked out.

What time was it now?!

            11.30 am.

Oh great in one and a half hour he was going to be here and I just woke up!

I called Raquel immediately. She was still not answering. Ugh what takes her so long?! Finally she picked up the phone in the seventh ring. “QUEL!!”

“Whoa slim it sweetie, why so urgent?”

“LEVI WILL BE HERE AT 1 AND I LITERALLY JUST WOKE UP!”

“... oh-kay... So what?”

“Ugh Quel, you’re the worst best friend ever. He asked me out okay?! We’re going to go to cinema in one and a half hour and now I just got up, I have no idea what I should wear, so please Skype me. I’ll be right back, gonna make a sandwich. Bye.”

I ended the phone and rushed going downstairs, straight to kitchen. My so-called crush would be here soon and I was now still looking as messed up as ever. But then a soft voice calling my name.

“Rain?”

I came to a halt as I spotted Mom watching TV alone. Since when Mom was here? Why didn’t I notice her presence?

“Oh, hey Mom.” I smiled as sweet as my lips could do.

She smiled back but it didn’t reach her eyes. Mom’s eyes were swollen. She had to be crying all night. And I could feel the pang. I somehow knew it was unbearable. It occured to me that this was somewhat like deja vu, I once was here, but what I spotted back then was Dad kissing Mom passionately that I feared they would make love right in there.

Needless to say, now they were about to separate. Well at least they had ever been in deep love once upon a time.

“Rain?”

I got aback to reality. Mom was watching me, looking puzzled.

“Yes, Mom?”

“I said what’re you up to?”

“Ah, I am just... uhm, going to make sandwich.”

“Want me to make it for you?”

Oooh my God, yes please! Please! I’m in a hurry!

“No no, it’s okay I’m actually not in a hurry.” I knew that we both knew it was a lie. I walked towards the kitchen as slow as someone who was running out of time could. “Oh by the way I’m going to see a movie with... a friend, and he’ll be here soon.”

“Okay just make sure you’re going home before...”

“Curfew. Yeah, noted. I’m home before curfew.”

She smiled but I felt awkward. I didn’t know what to say since my sandwich was already done and I really had to go upstairs and video Skype Raquel.

“What’re you waiting for, then? Go upstairs you little Rainy I know you’re late!”

I yelled, “Yes I actually am, okay Mom see ya!” as I was taking two stairs at once.

You know, I hated it to act as if everything was going to be alright, especially in front of my Mom. I was no liar, but life we were in seemed like it was all only about drama. I never prepared myself to play, only did I realize I was already playing.

I am perfectly broken.

I am flawlessly impaired.

I am closed to being open.

But since when have you cared?

(Gilberto Ledgard Hidalgo IV, Perfectly Broken)

***

I cringed staring at my room. It had been already a mess, but right now it was even worse. I literally put out all of my clothes from wardrobe, was trying to find one which Raquel thought was the best one to wear, as well as the bra, which bra I should wear so my boobs would look good.

I couldn’t thank Raquel enough for always being there for me when I needed her most.

Today was the day! Finally, I had been waiting for this to happen since God knows when! I mean, I’d been out with a boy once actually, we saw a movie as well, but I didn’t really enjoy it because I wasn’t in love with him back then. It was last year. His name is Reeve.

But now, it was totally a different story. I had a crush on this Levi guy. Eh, I was not really sure though because he was more to a best friend to me, and yet not a best friend. I just found myself happy to be with him, he was the easy going guy with good humors, knew how to make me feel comfortable and safe, he was around 6 feet 1 inch tall (hells and I was only 5 feet 5 inches tall, it seemed like I was a dwarf), and... yeah I didn’t know, he was nice. And smart. And oh, he even told me once he liked the philosophical side of me.

And I was actually still trying to figure out, why the eff he’d drive from his summer house which was like 17 miles away from mine?! Only to ask me out?! I’d better not to get myself too high, though.

Raquel said that I was probably in love with him. It could take forever for me only to talk about him with her, it was as though I always got my words to yap. She told me I’d be such an effing jerk when I received a message from Levi, because I’d totally ignore her as I was replying to his message, until I clicked “send” button did I notice her presence, being pissed off.

Oh, really? Was I actually that crazy?

But no, I didn’t really think so. I didn’t want to jump to conclusion hastily. I just knew Levi for like the past 2 months. So it just felt so wrong if I was into him or something.

Yeah, no way you fell for this guy, Rain. Note this, common sense has no place in first love and never has. It seemingly you were losing your sommon sense. --ets200615

Silence in Dismay

“Do you know what’s standing between you and me?” Lorraine asked as she took one step forward, standing only inches apart from a muscled boy. She looked up at his hazel eyes.

The boy lowered down his gaze, got his eyes on Lorraine’s in amusement. He couldn’t love more his girl when she started to be so philosophical. He considered it as a weird one, true. Either way, it was so cute he couldn’t stop smiling thinking of it.

He then filled in the space between them. “No, I don’t.” He murmured. They were way too close Lorraine breathed the same air with the boy.

She closed her eyes. The wind breezed.

Everything felt so good and it was just so right living the very moment, with only two of them in the rooftop, underneath the night sky. It was 8 pm already but two of them felt like there was no second ticking and the moment would last forever.

She wondered if forever really was the word to indicate their relationship.

Lorraine leaned in and hugged him so tight she could smell the masculine perfume of his.

“Tell me, ma fleur.”

“Hmm?”

“Tell me.”

“Can’t you guess it?”

“Alright, give me a second. Is it nothing? Because it seems we’re meant to be eternal, don’t you think?”

That was tickling her and it occured to her how she loved the boy’s humor. It was so much, and she couldn’t get rid of it.

She then shook her head lightly, not sure as to beat off the thought or to reply to the boy. “No, Levi. You’re wrong.”

“Okay, so what’s that?” He, again, whispered.

In spite of the moment’s coziness, she could feel Levi’s heartbeat in her chest pounding harder waiting for the response. “The reality.”

They both bate their breaths.

***

It was half 9 am on a Sunday morning when Raquel came over to Lorraine’s house, “RAIN! Oooh my God guess what!? You should know what!”, which only she found empty.

“Rain? You here?”

She walked towards Lorraine’s bedroom and only got blanket covering no body. “Rain? Where are you? I’m so excited, I got a big news!”

She went upstairs, to the rooftop and... oops! Lorraine was laying right next to Levi, Levi’s arms were hugging Lorraine’s body. They both didn’t notice Raquel’s presence. Well, they both weren’t even awake despite the sunlight was getting bright.

“Ugh please, it’s nearly 10 and they’re still asleep, curled up beneath such a bright sky?!”

Raquel headed to their body and got herself stumbled in purpose. She pretended to fall. “AAHHH!!”

“What’s up?!” Levi got awake immediately and looked up at the surrounding, but it was all the same as it was the night before. Except Raquel’s presence. “What you doing here?”

“What’s going on?” Lorraine got awake too, eventually.

“You tell me.”

“Quel?”

“Yes, Rain. I’m here.”

“Since when you’re here?”

“Since God knows when! Now c’mon you guys should get up unless you want to get the sunburn. Go go go!” Raquel took whatever her hand could grip and pointed it towards the couple.

It was a crowbar.

“Whoa slim it, buddy. Fine, we’re going downstairs.” Levi took Lorraine’s hand and held it.

“No we, buddy. Only Rain and me. You go.”

Levi made a face. “Seriously? Ugh, fine. Hey Rain, got to go. I’ll let you know when I’m home.”

“Alright, see you Levi. Sorry for this, Quel is being a jerk.”

“It’s cool, no worries. I’m used to it. See you, ma fleur.”

He gave her a light kiss and bustled walking downstairs, away from the girls, after giving his girlfriend one last glance. Raquel and Lorraine waited until they heard the front door closed.

“Did you literally called me a jerk?” Raquel asked in disbelief.

“I did. Aren’t you a jerk, though?”

“RAIN!!!”

They both laughed out loud as walking down the stairs. Lorraine had a seat as she turned on the TV. Raquel opened the refrigerator and took two bottles of juices, then handed one to Lorraine who was yawning. She didn’t find any burritos nor cereals, though, so she sat next to her bestie, only drinking the juice.

“Rain. You won’t believe what I’m saying!” Yelled Raquel in excitement. Lorraine looked at her, waiting for Raquel to finish the line. Her voice was chipper. “I was hooking up with...”

Lorraine’s jaw dropped. “You were hooking up?!”

“Yup!”

“With who?!”

“Hudson!”

“What about Dean?”

“Well he doesn’t know and I don’t want him to know. He’s too nice.”

“Huh, he’s too nice and yet you were hooking up with Hudson. I get it.”

“Nah it’s not like that! Or yeah probably it is, but I’m only giving Hudson a chance, okay? You know he’s been into me since forever, so now I’m giving him a try. Can’t wait!”

“Can’t wait for what? Sleep with him?”

“What-no! We’re only going to have dinner and... I don’t know, probably he’s going to bring me somewhere else too, but I’m sure enough we’re not going to have a sexy night.”

“By somewhere you mean is a museum, isn’t it? Or library.” Lorraine smiled sarcastically which only was given a really straight face from Raquel.

“Haha wow, just wow. I still can’t believe, it’s Hudson! Geez, he’s a geek, Quel!”

“But he’s hot. A hot geek.”

“Still, a geek. Glasses and all that.”

“Whatever, now you go shower, please. You smell! Let’s go to my house. Help me finding the right outfit to go out tonight.”

“Hang on, the date will be tonight?!”

“Yes! That’s why you should get your butt to the shower right now! Go!”

Lorraine bolted to go taking a bath, took her towel, and went showering.

***

“Okay, this will be the last. How do I look?” Raquel asked Lorraine for the thousandth time.

“Gorg.”

“Thanks.”

“Now go! He’s waiting outside!”

Raquel finally decided to wear dark red dress and gave her face a touch of lipstick and eyeliner. The black heels had already fit to her feet, her hair were beautifully curly, cascading over her dress (she owed Lorraine for this). All set. She never felt more beautiful than she was right now.

Her prince-charming-wanna-be, Hudson, had been waiting for her in the outside of her house, standing with his back against the door. A car parked in front of the gate.

Are you sure with this? Raquel asked herself before opening the door. Yes, totally. She breathed in the air. Feel bad to Dean? Again, she wanted to make sure of herself first. No, well a bit. Dean is my boyfriend afterall. I’m only having dinner with Hudson, not sleeping with him.

She then opened the door, and found a guy with casual jeans and a shirt covered up by a leather jacket. No mention the glasses. Crap, he may be a nerd but he’s a total hottie! Sorry, Dean. I do still love you, okay.

“Hey,” Raquel let the boy notice her presence.

Hudson spun around and gave her a smile. Those dimples though!

“Hey. You look nice. Ready to go?”

Raquel was actually about to pass out, but she tried not to let it look obvious. She nodded and smiled back.

“So, where we going?” Asked Raquel once they were in the car.

“Hmm I actually don’t know yet, I’m going to let you pick the spot instead.”

“I’ll be fine with any restaurant you pick, anyway.”

“Alright then. Mind to go to Muelle Tres?”

“Not at all.” She gave him a sweet smile and they went to the place in silence. As the silence grew more deafening, the more awkward she felt. She wondered, is going out with a nerd  always this clumsy?

***

8 pm, and it was so bright of a night. The restaurant was crowded of hungry people. They could barely find an empty seat for them two the moment they stepped in the restaurant. But luckily, they spotted two empty seat on the corner, so that was where they headed to.

“Ahh, this place is nice! You go to here often?”

“Haha yeah. My favorite seat is over there, you see? It’s far enough to avoid the nuisance. I read and do homeworks here, you know.”

Nerd.

“Oh fair enough. Why not in your house instead of in here?”

“Well I don’t feel like being at home, actually.”

“Why’s that?”

Silence.

“Could we not talk about this, please?”

“Sure, sorry.”

“No problem.”

Silence.

“Good evening. Have you decided what to order?” The waitress came by, making them less clumsy.

“Sashimi and lemon tea for me. You?”

Raquel was drown in the menu, and a minute later she finally got what she wanted to eat. “Spaghetti, please. Oh, and hot chocolate.”

“Which spaghetti do you want to order, Ms?”

“The one with shrimps and mussels, thank you.”

“Okay, be right back.”

Silence.

“Hey, Raquel. You look pretty tonight, no kidding.”

“Yeah thanks, you already said that in front of my house actually.”

“Oh did I?” Raquell nodded, Hudson was embarassed.

Silence.

“Look, Raquel. I know this is awkward, and I’m sorry. I already know it will be like this, silence, awkwardness, silence again. I’m already...”

“No, no! It’s fine, totally fine. This is not awkward at all, it’s just... I’m feeling so hungry I can’t talk much.”

The hell? Did I literally just say that pile of klunk? The lamest excuse ever.

“No, I mean. Could I tell you something?”

“Go ahead.”

Raquel was sort of certain enough that Hudson was about to confess his love to her. So this is the time, she thought. She often heard of this rumor that Hudson’s feeling towards her apparently had allegedly begun since a year ago. True indeed, Hudson always acted weirdly whenever he got close to her. She needed a proof, nevertheless. She needed to hear by her own ears “I love you” from Hudson’s mouth.

This is a fact, every girl walking the Earth needs certainty and proof.

“Well, here it is. I actually have concerned that we don’t click, that the way I am isn’t meant to complete the way you are, that my endless stupidity cannot be ended by your intelligence and vice versa. You got it? I suppose you’re hurt, so I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to, I have to tell you this though.”

Silence.

“I need someone who can make my imperfection perfect, and it is her.”

Raquel got confused. She had no clue even a bit about what was happening just now, what this nerd was talking about, nor who was the girl Hudson referred to.

“Who?” A single word was eventually blurted out from Raquel’s mouth.

“Lorraine.”

Hudson’s face devoid of expression. The disquieting feeling out of sudden filled up the entire restaurant.

“I just don’t know how to tell Lorraine that I’ve been in love with her for like, who knows? 6 months? I don’t really know either. But really, I...”

Raquel was aghast. “Hang on there. You love Lorraine?”

“Yes.”

“For real?”

“For real.”

Raquel’s heart stopped beating. She nodded slowly in dismay, trying to grasp all of the things she just heard. Didn’t Hudson love me?

“So why did you ask me out?” She couldn’t hide the disappointment in her voice, but who cared.

“I don’t know how to show her that I’m into her. She’s always with Levi, and I don’t want to make her hook up with me.”

Hook up. That’s the words she used all this time to Lorraine, that she hooked up with Hudson. Now it’s going the other way around instead, great.

“You can just simply tell her.”

“I can’t! You don’t get it, I just can’t!”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

“Which one?”

“Why did you ask me out instead of her?” She stared at him deadly in the eye. This whole situation was literally bugging her. Hudson was bugging her. I hate this nerd to the moon and back.

Hudson took a deep breath. He didn’t know how to explain, he was no expert in love issues whatsoever. He’d rather drown in mounting homeworks than in a pond of complicated love. “Because you’re her best friend.”

“That doesn’t make sense! I’m her bestie, true, so what?”

“I thought I could tell you and if I did, you would help me.”

Raquel sniffed. “No way.”

Hudson took another deep breath. “I should have guessed this. You know, I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling all alone. It only works for people like me, though. Probably I still can’t click or fit with how the people surround me. The feedback I get and I give aren’t the same. Probably I handle things quite differently from people usually do. That is all the most likely that makes me always feel lonely.”

Raquel kept shutting her mouth, either didn’t know what to respond or didn’t want to. She was still pissed off afterall.

“Sorry for being so philosophical. I know it’s not your thing, so I’m better not to go on with my words. And anyway I think that waitress is bringing our foods, let’s just forget this and eat like nothing happened, deal?”

Raquel nodded in spite of her confusion.

“Deal.” --ets010515

Rosaline & Tulpa #3

Tell me,
can true love flee away
like those birds that fly away,
having a ditch from a tree of life
to another?
Tell me,
does giving in
to despondency
signify the fate you're opted for
is
not to be loved?

***

Once the blanket covered up my whole body, I fell asleep in an instant.

Rosaline was now sitting on a bench, somewhere in nowhere. The bench was actually dank but whatever. She kept sitting on it as she was trying to figure out where the dream brought her to this time.

Glimmer of hope to find out where she was never really came after some time--she wasn't so certain how long she'd been in there, it was like only minutes but probably coulod be hours--and therefore she began to amble up to wherever her feet heading to. Trees with bare branches were in her both right and left sides, fogs surrounded all over her, and the light was so dim she only could see something within 10 meters, despite the moonlight. She came to a halt for a second and fidgeted for a little while, shuddering, gasping. It occured to her it was just so bizzare that how cozy it was with the way the wing blew plenty of scattered leaves on the boulevard, with the clouds of obscurity in her mind, and with the emptiness she often felt in spite of the crowded world. A pang of pain pricked through her blood, rushing through each artery in her body. A dog was yelping in a far, far away, out of her sight.

She then continued ambling up, enjoying the odd icy dew on her skin.

That is actually pretty rare that I can be pulled away that easily from the reality to the hazy fuzziness, called dreamland, where Tulpa can never come in. And I am really happy, temporarily happy though, as I have waited for this moment to come for... I don't know, like 10 years? 5 years? Or a year, perhaps? I forget how long I've waited for what I thought was just a vain effort, and I also forget how that even feels.

It occurs to me that I terribly yearn to be dragged to this beautiful unconsciousness. And once I'm in it, I never want to be woken up. Ever since I suffer from this disorder, I barely can sleep. The insomnia always has my mind in tangle like it keeps running, working, over thinking regarding something either real or unreal, I can't really tell, because I have these high imaginations that the average teenagers surely don't have.

Imaginations that made my old friends give me weird look, followed by "what are you talking about, you must be joking since it can't be true" once they heard of it. I remember I laughed my ass off despite the agony, not that it was funny, it was awfully hurting instead. I was afwully hurt. The bitterness I felt was way too much I kept blaming myself for being so stupid telling such a personal privacy to them. Because they considered me as a weirdo afterwards.

Imaginations that made people rant about me being crazy and yap about how that can't possibly happen. I always assume those people just don't get it, I mean how come this impossibly happen when me, the sufferer, the real so-called victim does exist? Me, whom they thought was only another nut, standing and living and inhaling the same oxygen as they do? They only keep compressing each cell in their brain with silly statement that I'm just one with no commonsense, which--of course--isn't true. Or probably is true. Whatever.

And imaginations that made my dad, my own dad, behaves so awkwardly reluctant, distant, cold, and all that to me ever since doctor told him. I was literally aghast in the first month or so once he barely even talked to me. I don't have any siblings, and all I have now is only him. So what can I do? Average teenagers go out of their way to keep bringing up how sweet their dads allegedly are. I believe their stories after all since I also have ever felt them a couple years ago, but it's just no way for now. Oftentimes, I grumble how love can slip away that way, how life can be so unfair, and how everything goes sucks way too much.

Rosaline was now in the middle of the night, where the moon was exactly on top of her. It was downright murky. Her sight was only 10 meters away and yet she kept on wandering.

A wooden building considerably loomed as a haggard one, wedged in a darkening patch of shadow. The grove of trees seemed to be steadily disappearing as--apparently--a shack with a muddy water in front of its door came to her sight. The window, the only window in there, was really dust-frosted. The shack had seemingly not been cleaned up like in ages, and it was gross.

Rosaline knocked the door as though there were any ones living in it. But of course no answer came as a response, and therefore she then opened the door and found an old wooden chair as the only thing left in that shack.

She sat, thought of an absolute nothing, waiting to come down to earth and play another fun game with Tulpa in real life.

This is what I've learned about life: happiness and pain never go hand in hand. --ets281214

Dear My Future Hubby

Well this is gonna be awkward since I don't know who you might be and where you might be, and I also don't know when our first meet was or when our first meet will be. And yet, here I'm telling whoever you are, what have been my wishes since forever once we've become a bride and bridegroom in bridal dais, spending our time together till death afterwards.
But, please promise me first that you will never consider this as something disgusting or something way too blunt or whatever it is because, sorry not sorry, I don't give a damn. What I care is you to consider this as either something to respect or something to be the reason why you've gotta put your trust in me later on.
Okay, let's just get this started, I'll make it quick.

Dear my future hubby...
Indeed, as far as I'm concerned, love is such an abstract theory that cannot be put in words theoretically. My bestie, Ainun Nabiila, even said that "you don't need to understand what love is to feel". Because nevertheless, love is just so real in reality that every single one must have ever been in it. No one is perfect but love completes them to be a perfect one.
So I already know that you, somewhere on Earth, are no man. You, why on Earth reading this pile of klunk, are no boy. You are no saint. You are no prince. No genius. No perfection. But I'm truly hoping that you are one of those pious men who have a brilliant and critical mind walking the Earth. I desperately need you to be mine, to complete me for being such a bitchy brat that cannot take the credit enough for the success she's got. I need you to impress me with your achievements, that you are my missing piece of clever part in my brain. I need you to remind me to always be in the right path, together with you. I need you to advice me the simple yet wise words to live as often as you'd like to, because I barely hear it from the guys I've ever been into, and if you could, you'd scare the hell out of each cell in me that I'd literally love you till death. And I need you to convince me that by the time we've been under the same roof, all the time we'd spent together is really worth wasting.

Dear my future hubby...
If you're one of those lecherous nuts who only love girls physically, then back off. I'm better out. Why? Because it means you didn't love me at all in the first place. I'm not the girl with sexy body, whose curves can make guys down on their knees, with such a very soft skin as fuck, whose boobs as big as what you've been dreaming of, with cute shaven pussy, and all that. If you're kinda disappointed and ask me "oh, aren't you?", I'm undoubtedly gonna say "yes, I'm not."
And reluctantly Imma say "and nah, I am.", that I'm the girl with skinny body. I'm the girl with tanned complexion. I'm the girl with flat nose. I'm the girl with glasses. I'm the girl whose hair on each limb of hers. I'm the girl with small boobs and booty. I'm terribly sorry to tell you that I hate staring at my own body, I hate myself for not being able to hide the ribs, I hate myself for being a hag-look-like.
If you insist me there's been love between us, all I can say is that "may that so-called fucking love be buried in fucking hell and I hope there's a slut who'll ever cuddle with you and be wrapped around your fucking fingers without any love involved."

I'm sorry not sorry, but seriously, I don't expect you to love me for the way I look, but I do expect you to love me for the way I am.

Dear my future hubby...
I'm actually hoping you're a white foreigner *no offense* so that I can always use English while talking with you, but if you aren't, then at least please God give me the one with great English skill. I desperately wanna live the rest of my life with someone who can understand how obsessed I am with English. How I can't even spend a day without speaking English. How I literally am gonna die if you don't speak English. It's just... I don't know, it's not solely a habit, a weird habit, but it's just much easier when I say something in English, you got it? You know once I can't find the proper word in Indonesian then I'll end up saying it in English. I don't know it's just like the English words have popped in to my mind so it's really easy to simply write them down right away than having to think what the exact Indonesian word for that... oh damn me, I can't explain this whole thing but I swear once you've got to know me, you'll understand.
And oh! I'm also sort of obsessed with going abroad. Do you mind to spend our honeymoon in The Netherlands? Or England? Or Australia? Or America? Or London? I've been craving for this since forever and yet the countries I've visited are only Singapore and Malaysia and those are not enough. I need to feel the four seasons Indonesia doesn't have, especially the fall.
So, please, I'm begging you... Take me out to other-marvelous-countries and let's have some sexy hot night as we've been doing the unforgettable fascinating experience.

Dear my future hubby...
It occurs to me that I am indifferent. I don't give a fuck on what's happening around me. What I only care about is myself. How I really should have some fun but this headache always bugs me. How I really should spend my teenage hood right but this school stuffs and shits always make me browned off. I'm the girl who would concern myself with careers rather than house chores. I can't wash clothes. I can't iron too many clothes. Worse, I can't cook. And I am allergic to dust. I'm sorry for being so blunt but really, I say that careers come first.
But, if-no, when-we are already in the same house, I promise you I'll do the best I can do. Before our marriage, I'll learn how to wash clothes with or without washing machine. I'll learn how to not be easily tired of ironing clothes. And most of all, I'll learn how to cook. Sure my Mom will teach me how since she's so dope at it and yet her daughter, me, is so nope at it. But at least I'm going to try learning, right. I will be such a good chef before you propose me, really (with one condition, let me run my career as well, I don't wanna be housewife only, it sucks). Because I know you're just way too valuable to not being deserved right.
Because I know you'll have been gonna be my last one, my forever boy, the boy whom I've been waiting for since I was born; by the time we're married.

Dear my future hubby...
Are you a nerd? Are you a bookworm? If yes, I can't thank God enough for having you as I believe you'll understand how freak I am with books, especially novels. As a matter of fact, I'm planning to have one room in our future house, the room with only our books in it. Yeah, so-called mini library! Can you imagine how fun it will be?! Can you imagine how enthusiastic I will be-we will be? That's... Heaven on Earth. I mean, ugh I'm sorry I'm running out of words to say.
Just give me some novels for our anniversary celebration instead of taking me out to romantic dinner, then I will definitely love you forever. Note this.

Dear my future hubby...
Meet me as soon as possible! I'll love you to the moon and back. --ets251214

No Title's Required

Love. The only thing that boosts us up to survive this fucked up reality.
Love. The only reason why we still exist until now, right this second.
Love. The only compulsion that works successfully having people be on their knees.
And for God's sake, it's love. The only word that has so much power it can't even be defined by anyone.

You know it's like there's nothing-even a single thing to describe love. The way how it feels, how it affects, how it influences our life, blinds or sight, limits our mind, changes our behavior and our habit; when we are in love.

Am I right?

Anyway, I wonder...
Can this be called as love when you slightly touch the skin of your crush's and out of sudden your heart were like about to jump forward a few meters?
Can this be called as love when you're talking with your crush and out of sudden you feel as though you had a claustrophobia that world were getting smaller and smaller and the people left on it were only you two?
Can this be called as love when you're drowned into your crush's sparkling eyes everytime he's staring at you?
Can this be called as love when your crush leaves such a beautiful electricity after he slightly touches your skin that it literally stifles you?
Can this be called as love when someone only says your crush's name and yet you look after the voice immediately, hoping your crush is right over there that results in pounding heart?



So, tell me, can those be called as love?
Because you know, most people will say yes yet some will say the other way around.

It might be as romantic as ever but it will end up in pain nonetheless.
As love itself that darkens your soul.
As love itself that messes everything up.
As love itself that breaks everyone's heart.
As love itself that bugs you, pisses you off, and makes you fed up with.
As love itself that makes you wake up at dawn then scream over the pain.
As love itself that results in suicide, abortion, mental disorder, and many more.
As love itself that gets you to cry, let the tears go down your cheeks, and let your eyes be bloodshot,

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep becaure reality is finally better than your dreams." --Dr. Seuss

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up." --Neil Gaiman

No title is required since love has a very general definiton. Once someone finally can define it, people perception's about it will very likely be limited.

Am I right? --ets201214

Rosaline & Tulpa #2

Blood draining from his arm.

He ground and bore it though.

"Urgh! What the fuck?!” He tried to wipe the blood off his left arm with the nearest mop his right hand could reach, though it got him to need some steps and stand against Rosaline.

“For Lucifer’s sake what’s bloody going on,” He grumbled, causing it not be heard as a question. He then threw the mop away without bothering to see where it going to land.

He seemingly didn’t care about the outrageous words spoken just seconds ago as Rosaline was standing still right next to him. He seemingly didn’t even notice that Rosaline was also in the kitchen, if he didn’t spun around.

 “And what are you doing in here, Rose?!"

By the litany of swearwords following it, the way his scratchy voice heard outrageously, and the way he said each word very pronouncedly, Rosaline's Dad seemingly didn't even bother to try to struggle keeping his voice even. His lips taut with anger, his bloodshot eyes bulged, flared with great fury, peering deadly in the eye at his daughter who was his only child (if only he still considered her as his child). He clenched his fist as though he'd punch her right in the face seconds after, inducing his biceps much more bulged. A surge of heat pulsed through his veins.

"I-I am pl-ay-ying new g-game, Dad-dy!" Rosaline innocently answered, clapping her hands excitedly while jiggling her legs up and down as if she just had told her Dad a very good news she couldn't even shut her mouth up any longer. Then she stilled, squinted, perhaps anticipating her Dad's response.

Rosaline's Dad squeezed Rosaline's left shoulder by his right arm-the arm which wasn't stabbed. He then took several deep breaths while bending over Rosaline.

And again, he peered deadly at her in the eye.

“What did ya just say?” He said too slowly it was more like whispering.

“I-I am pl-ay-ying new g-game,”

“New game?”

Rosaline nodded. “Tell me what kind of game that using knife as its toy, huh?!” His Dad was shocked at how steady his voice sounded.

Rosaline shrugged and shook her head as answering, “I d-don’t kno-ow, Da…”

“How come you don’t know when you just played that new game and stabbed me?! Stabbed your own father!?” He yelled at her, waiting for Rosaline’s excuse.

But Rosaline just shuddered, cringed, wrinkling up her face as she finally snapped out of her daze. Initially, she was confused, but then her brain somehow sent  signals that told her that her Dad was being angry. She then gave in to either fear or grief. Her eyes began to be glassy. She didn’t understand why her Dad be such downright hideous. She then closed her eyes for several seconds when her Dad tugged her chin up.

“Huh?” He said.

“I-I real-ly d-on’t kn-n-ow…” She murmured then sighed in trepidation, avoiding the eye contact with her Dad. “She d-didn’t tell m-me an-anythi-ng.”

Her Dad gawked at her for a moment. “She?” Rosaline nodded and wiped her tears away, didn’t want his Dad see her crying like a loser. “Who is she?”

“T-tul-pa.”

Her Dad stood up, stilled, furrowed his brow. “Tulpa?”

Confusion swirled in his brain. No, the proper word for it actually was disbelief. Disbelief swirled in his brain. He did know that her daughter suffered from that-whatever-psychological-disorder, but never knew she was this severely suffered.

Never knew, because he had never even been trying to rivet to how weird every single behavior his daughter had since her wife, Rosaline’s Mom, passed away almost 3 years ago.

And he would probably never try.

Rosaline’s Dad’s head was like slipping beneath the water he couldn’t think

He then took a deep breath, sat down cross-legged leaning against the wall, trying to figure it out though he somehow knew he couldn’t. The distinct smell of blood, icy air, and some kind of foods made him wanna puke. The air somehow felt colder than before it made him shiver in despair. He tried to find another lap to mop the bloody floor and clean up the mess he-they-just made.

“Whatever. Just go back to your room, Rose.”

Rosaline bustled in haste. She stayed clamed up even when her Dad shouted, “And make sure you won’t do any stupid game like this, will ya!”

She entered her room in, didn’t let the icy wind blow in from the open window as she closed it right away before going to bed. A woman-she forgot who she was, her Mom perhaps?-once told her that she was born to be the strongest girl ever alive in this universe. Rosaline honestly never really considered it as her words to live, but she somehow knew that it was true. She could feel it in herself. And she believed it.

What was just happened minutes ago was sort of haze. Blur. It was like loads of thoughts were milling about of her mind, but she couldn’t speak it all out. It stifled her; that mixed of one point when she was about to cry and she was about to scream.

The dense thoughts disorientated her in her own mind.

Rosaline was whacked, drowned in obscurity, too overwhelmed to move. --ets300614

Rosaline & Tulpa #1

The girl fidgeted on her feet, then leaned forward and craned her neck out of the window.
The icy wind blew plenty of leaves across the yard, caressing her face. Glimmers of an eerie moonlight shone through the open window, it cast a wavering spectrum of colors both on her face and half of her body. The moonlight was the only light shining that room, no wonder since someone was on the way to come over.
That someone.
She loved darkness as she'd been growing with it since forever.
And she'd been living in it.
Shivering, the girl ground her teeth due to the friggin' icy wind. It was way too cold for spring. The Doomsday ain't probably lurking no more, it was probably about to happen in the next some years instead, as the world going to be fucked up much more and more every year. At least that was what she thought.
She stilled, waiting.
"M-may-y-be this ti-me we're b-better to be-e shone on-ly by-y moon-l-light!" She said more like to herself, 'cause no one was in the room yet, but her.
11:47 pm.
She breathed in and out, breathed in and out, breathed in again until compressing her lungs with the icy air. She reeked of her midnight breath. The night was getting later, but she was still totally awake despite the bloodshots of her eyes were getting worse.
Bummp. Bummp. Bummp.
Krieekk...
Something was coming. She was coming eventually. Each step creaked and groaned under her weight. Tulpa loomed as darker shadow, ambling up to her.
"Rosaline." The way she called the girl was more like whispering.
Rosaline startled, gasping. She finally snapped out of her shock. She then turned her body back, ready to see whatever-her, the Tulpa-behind her. She then glanced at Tulpa who was now right in front of her. Her face devoid of expression.
Tulpa's blond hair was cut long, cascading over her shirt; the same as Rosaline's. She has pale complexion; the same as Rosaline's. Her height was about 5'5 tall and her weight was about 94 pounds; the same as Rosaline's. She was as scraggy as klunk; the same as Rosaline. She has scratchy voice, almond-shaped eyes, a bit square jaw; the same as Rosaline's. Rosaline's voice actually still carried the high pitch of childhood though. And Rosaline's face was flabby and flushed.
"Tulpa!" Rosaline cried, her voice was chipper as though she just had discovered something never been found. "L-let's play-y Tulpa c'm-c'mon!"
Rosaline Matthews, usually called Rose by others, was an 14 year old teenage girl. She'd been suffering from "Skizofrenia Disorganized" and still in the process of recovery, though the theraphies she'd been taking actually hadn't seemed worked at all. The "Skizofrenia Disorganized" caused her to overimagine something and be out of the reality she lived in, be out of the real social life. One the most literal example was having bestfriend which was actually a tulpa.
Suffering from it made Rosaline suffer from insomnia as well. She could barely sleep every night despite her eyes grew bloodshot. Nah, she didn't give a fuck on her bloodshot eyes though. She didn't really give a fuck on anything. Everything in real life was solely adornment in her bluish green eyes. Solely adornment.
The actual misery of being in despair made her eyes bulged, darting back and forth. She was always in sort of daze and every now and then her face became such a porcelain face. She couldn't really express her feelings as though her face muscles once in a blue moon became paralyzed, exactly like someone suffered from "Mobius Syndrome".
Oftentimes, in spite of the beautiful face she had, people disdained her existence and see herself in contempt. Then again, she didn't give a damn instead of being hurt. Tulpa was always by her side and cheered her up (if though she ain't sad like literally) and muttered, "Don't fucking listen to them, Rose. Those saps ain't doing any good. They don't even know what they are doing for fuck's sake. I'll ensure they all are gonna get the freaking impressing reward... hopefully soon. Very soon." Tulpa usually grinned after saying that, then creased in scowl. Rosaline only gawked at her. "Can't wait to play another more thrilling games! Wonder how'll ya feel, sweetie. There'll be bloody red ink... those shanks will be as pale as klunk, writhing in agony, as we're laughing our fucking ass off, Rose."
Rosaline honestly never understood what Tulpa either meant or planned. She got a bit the "red ink" part though. "R-red ink? Is-s it b-bloo-d, Tulpa?"
But she always got nothing of reply.
00:14 am.
Tulpa ambled up to the table, then sat down next to it, motioning to Rosaline to do the same. Rosaline did, felt her eyes widen. Her breathing stopped for a moment. The light was too dim to scan her expression.
"Brr... T-Tulpa, aren't-n't you free-eezing? This-s is so-o cold." Rosaline said.
"Nope, and nah it's not."
"Can-can I clo-se the w-wind-d-ow?"
"Just let it open, you shank, and feel the warmth, will ya."
"But I a-am f-freezi-ing..." Rosaline said.
"Just ignore. Don't give a bloody fuck on how you getting goose bumps. Don't give a bloody fuck on how this be like icy dew on your skin. Ya get me, sweetie? Don't you wanna play games with me huh?"
"I do! I d-do!"
Rosaline shrieked tinnily, her voice was downright chipper as knowing they were going to play very soon. Tulpa leaned against the wall. "Better not to play those fucking freaking dolls again okay, I'm sick of them!"
"O-okay, so wh-at about th-this?" Rosaline showed her car toys.
"Nope."
Rosaline winced her brow, then tried to find another toys. "What ab-bout this?" She showing her books.
"I'm not a nerd for God's sake. Nope."
"Hmm, th-this?"
"I thought I've told you I was sick of dolls, haven't I?!" Tulpa snarled.
"Oh r-right! I for-g-got hahahaha,"
Tulpa rolled her eyes. "Haha. Funny." Then she stood up. "What about another toys that are not here?" She said each words she could into the syllable. "I mean, we can go outside of this bloody room and find another... toys."
Rosaline's expression turned into disappointment. "You d-don't wan-nt to play-y with me-e?"
"Urgh, come on just go with me!" Tulpa jerked Rosaline's sleeve and headed to the kitchen.
"W-what are we-e search-ch-ing for, Tulp-pa?"
"A razor blade. It's in the kitchen, isn't it?"
Rosaline didn't answer. She was too excited to do this new kind of games until she realized what the razor blade was actually for. Her brow wrinkled up and she felt her eyes widen of curiousity. "For wh-what?"
But again, she got nothing of reply.
"Ah! It's ab-about the "r-red ink-k" r-right-t!?"
Tulpa glanced at her, amazed. "Whoa! Never thought that you're actually smart, sweetie."
00:40 am.
They were now in the kitchen, opening every food cupboard, intented on finding the razor blade. No, of course Rosaline never knew where the razor blade was.
They found nothing.
"No razor blade. What about knife? It's more thrilling I swear!" Tulpa suggested and Rosaline nodded as the answer.
Tulpa reached and pulled one of the knives lying on its place, then gave it to Rosaline. Rosaline sneezed, shivering due to the friggin' icy wind. Her teeth rattling.
Out of the blue, the lamp on the kitchen then turned on. Rosaline's eyes moved as the very light shone through the lamp. Her eyes tried to set to it. She turned around, seeing a heavily muscled figure wearing tight shirtsleeves standing about 9 feet away from her.
"Rosaline?"
"Da-ddy!"
Innocently, Rosaline ran to her Dad excitedly with a knive clutched in her right hand. Her Dad just realized it when the knive stabbed his arm, made the blood of his cascaded over his arm and trickled the floor down. The floor was flooded by the blood. The "red ink".
Dad's jaw persisted. He was seemingly both shocked and angry with what just happened a few minutes ago, with what just happened to him.
Tulpa secretly grinned in satisfaction, whispered to herself, "This is how the real game begun, sweetie." before finally she was gone.
No, Rosaline's Dad could never see Tulpa.
Only Rosaline who could. --ets280614